In a nutshell this story is about a
mom (Beverly) who takes her daughter (Jessica) to what appears to be a talent
agency for aspiring young internet stars and after the daughter’s talent is
discovered, the mother is brought into the interview room to discuss her
daughter’s future. During this time, the daughter ventures off to mess around
while the mother remains confused and during the conversation a fight breaks
out amongst the other applicants and their families and during the fight
Jessica vanishes.
The first thing I noticed were the
obvious run-on sentences in the first paragraph. I’m not sure if this was
intentional or just ended up happening but it was a lot to take in at once. Shorten
it up into smaller pieces so it won’t distract the reader (I had to read the
intro a couple of times to make sure I didn’t miss anything). Second, I would
suggest changing the language used by the mother because overall she seemed
incredibly one-sided and nobody is that simplistic. I understood her situation
and the fact that she was out of place but she didn’t seem like a mother, more
of a babysitter. I feel like a mother would have more control of herself, even
when put in such an uncomfortable situation.
Other than the fact that it was
jumbled and clumped together, the imagery was very good. The description of the
building and how the mother reacted to her surroundings while waiting were
excellent but then the dialogue takes over and I became completely lost. It was
a good attempt at using dialogue only but with so many characters speaking at
one, tags would have been nice to help keep the characters in order. Another
thing I would have like to see was more events within the plot because it felt
like a drawn out scene instead of a full story. And lastly, the ending is the
most crucial point of this story and to me it came up short. It had the
potential to finish strong but didn’t quite seem to hit home. I think a
description of the chaos, even if it is just a short one would help strengthen
the sense of urgency the situation calls for.
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