Short short Response: "A Flicker in the Night"

"A Flicker in the Night" is a reminiscence of our narrator, who describes the fond memory they have of when their mother tucked them in at night growing up and the joy of staying awake and watching tv long enough for the mother to come back in for confirmation her child's comfort and sleep status. I really liked this short short. The tv bits are believable and most readers are comforted by the tv in association with pre-bedtime rituals aspect it brings. I'm trying to think of criticisms but since we don't treat short shorts like normal short stories I'm not sure what all I can really offer that it really needs. I guess if I had to come up with somethng, it would concern the mother's character. You start out with a good introduction of the mother, but other than her scent, we know virtually nothing else about her other than that's she's married and watches television before bed also. Since she is the driving force of the story, I think she should more of an imposing figure. Also, there is little tension in this which threw me off because the ending left me wanting a little more. Does the voice switch from past to present tense on purpose? The narrator was asleep when the mother reentered but then suddenly can't sleep. Or is the narrator recollecting on the smell and that's why they can't sleep?

Response to Alyson Smith's "Swiss Cheese"

“Swiss Cheese” is an interesting story about Brett Miller, who works in a hospital as an intern I believe. My first thought about this was that it seemed like a twisted version of a grey’s anatomy episode. As Brett divulges the horrors of her past, we get a basic understanding of her motives for becoming a doctor, (I’m assuming it was the father’s death since she was pre-med at the time of her mother's murder) a small description of a suicidal inmate with a horror-filled past of his own, and after a few brief confrontation, Brett leaves the man to choose his own fate.

To begin with a couple small issues, if I remember correctly, you disliked how a girl’s name was used to represent a male character from another story we workshopped and yet, Brett is a man’s name, so there was a little confusion there. Also, do bananas gush that much? The opening scene is detailed brilliantly but I was surprised of your choice of fruit. Nothing major, just me nit picking.

I also felt like a lot of the dialogue is unbelievable, not so much the details but more of the openness that the characters have towards one another. Brett seems almost neurotic herself, but I’m very surprised she lashes out as much as she does for seemingly no reason at all. Plus I want to know more about the “dark voice” in her head. It’s only mentioned once but I feel like it should have a bigger part in the story. 

And to be honest, I thought that Jack was going to turn out to be her mother’s killer and that this was going to turn out to be her one act of vengeance after swearing to protect the lives of others and now that I look back on the ending, I think this would be a better fit, even at the risk of it sounding predictable. Right now, we have Brett’s subtle acceptance after the inmate shakes her up initially. 

Response to Molly Kirkpatrick's "Blood"

“Blood” is a story about Scarlett, (love the name by the way) who has found herself temporarily in the mental ward of a hospital and as we learn the details of her sad past, Scarlett tells her psychiatrist about how important blood meant to her and how much her own blood is precious because of the lessons her father taught her growing up.

            First off, I think Scarlett is one of the most interesting characters we’ve read about this semester. She has such a casual down to earth attitude but at times sounds philosophical and realistic, it was a pleasure to see things from her perspective and think the voice of this story is its strongest feature.

            The main point I want to understand is the motivation for why she cut her wrists. There are plenty of ways to prove to oneself that you’re still alive so why did she take a road that could have killed her if her wish was the exact opposite? That part just didn’t make sense to me. Is there supposed to be a connection or tendency to lean towards a psychotic break because of the mother’s OCD? I felt like that was a key part in the story that was left unexplored. 

            Also I wasn’t sure if I felt a definite change occur within the story. At the end it’s revealed that she has been confident all along that she wasn’t crazy, and that it was all just to prove to herself that she was still alive, all we get is a revelation exposed to the audience that was there all along. One suggestion that I think would be interesting, if you wanted, you could have her think she’s perfectly fine, but the psychiatrist discovers that she formed a split personality after the accident to cope. I’m not sure if that is too much of a cliché, but with your characterization, I feel like that could be a really good twist.  

Response: "Support Group"

“Support Group” is an awkwardly funny story about a young man (I took him to be in his mid to late twenties) who is at a meeting for people who have been sexually abused, pouring his heart out in a rambling attempt to detail how he began his current life as a chronic masturbator when he was eleven and how it has proceeded to dictate his life.

As soon as I read the first few lines, I began to laugh and couldn’t stop throughout and at the end I got the impression that you thought this up on a whim just to see how far you could take it just to get the class to discuss masturbation in full and I must say, bravo. This was very entertaining and you did a great job characterizing a man with a major insecurity but there were some things that were off a bit.

Even though I found it funny, there are some parts I didn’t quite understand. First off, I don’t know much of the narrator other than his embarrassing condition. All we have is a long narration without any setting built up and a nervous man babbling on about his problem. And second, I think you should go through and change up some of his vocabulary. It was funny the first couple of times but got old pretty quick.

I liked the entire story as dialogue but I think you could spruce it up by having other people in the group question the narrator about his lifestyle and have him justify his reasoning to compare himself to people who are sexually abused. Right now, that to me is a strong source of tension and you highlighted it perfectly with the Chris Hanson jokes and failed female interaction, but I would also like to see an expansion of that so we can get a real change to occur. He seems to have a moment of sincerity on the last page when he says he wants to help everyone else there, but then makes an excuse to leave, which I took to be just an exit to go masturbate once again. 

Response: "The Marriage of Ruth and Isaac"

“The Marriage of Ruth and Isaac” is a story from the perspective of a mother, anxiously dealing with the news that her daughter is getting married despite her young age. As she looks back and remembers her daughter when she was a little girl, she realizes now that she’s not so little, but still too young for marriage, and from the engagement announcement up and through the wedding, she silently harbors her concerns.

First off, your descriptions and imagery pertaining to the wedding scenes are excellent. You did a great job detailing each of the flower scenes without going over the top (which I’m glad because too much of that would have definitely lost my attention). This is also an emotional piece, we all know how much our parents worry about us and our futures and I think the anxiety that the narrator has about her daughter’s life with Isaac is realistic and touching, but there isn’t much tension shown right now and we don't know enough about the narrator to understand her motivation behind her fears. 

To me, it feels like there is a specific audience you’re appealing to so far, young couples who are either thinking about marriage, just married, and the parents of these groups. Adding a scene or even expanding and splitting up the first paragraph of page 2 could give you an extra dimension to the story and will help build up all the characters with dialogue. Plus I'd really like to see how Isaac complicates the plot if he does at all.

Maybe the in-laws don’t see eye to eye on wedding costs and such, or one of the families dislikes the bride or groom? Anything like that will spice up the overall tension and establish a firm conflict and change. Right now, all we have is the mother’s viewpoint and because of her passive aggressiveness, there is no established conflict. I was expecting some sort of confrontation at the bottom of page 2 or top of 3 when Ruth’s only justification for getting married is that it’s “God’s timing.” I would like to see this scenario played up a bit more as well, and maybe Ruth has other reasoning that her mother wouldn’t understand. It's great so far but I don't think it's quite finished yet.