Response: Alyson Smith's "Kids"

“Kids” is a story about a group of young teens at church camp and the narration is given from the perspective of one of the campers, a young girl named Jenny, who is different from the other girls in her cabin because she is more interested in fantasy movies and books than her appearance or boys. On one particular day of camp, Jenny comes across one of her bunkmates having sex with a boy that some other girls were interested in. Then the story abruptly ends after we discover this isn’t the first time she has done something like this.

My first thought when I finished this was, holy crap, do 13 year old girls really act like this in real life? What a bunch of sluts. Overall I found it very funny and I really like how you set up the chaotic opening scene as well as providing us with realistic, albeit disturbing characters, but it was a bit overwhelming trying to keep up with who was who, especially with a couple of the characters having names similar to one another. Also, it tripped me up when I found out Chandler was a girl. 

Your descriptions and imagery are spot on and very believable coming from the eyes of an awesome 12 year old. My favorite part was how she described the smell of the lake, “dead fish, water, and gasoline” which gave off a foreboding sensation and I was expecting the story to take a drastic turn similar to a Crystal Lake type fiasco, but the conflict that takes place in the end doesn’t affect the narrator directly, it concerns the other girls and Jenny’s curiosity is merely peaked by the incident.

I don’t think the story is quite finished. Our main character never really experiences any change and the only tension that is apparent is when her bunkmates appear to be jealous of Jeremy’s attention towards her and when she catches the counselors smoking, but either Jenny doesn’t understand or doesn’t care enough to get involved. Personally, I would like to know more about why she is so detached from the other girls around her age. Why is she at a bible camp to begin with instead of a regular summer camp? Is she being punished for something or did she want to go? Little things like that would give us more insight to why she is the way she is.

Response to "Fortune"

“Fortune” is a story about a man sitting at home, enjoying a snack consisting of oreos in the company of his dog, Duke, when two burglars break in during an episode of Wheel of Fortune. Stricken by fear, the narrator sits on the couch as the two men tear apart his home, until an argument between the pair results in one being shot by the other and the narrator’s anger and frustration builds up to the point where he throws a lamp in retaliation and scrambles for the door.

                I really liked this story even though the dog did die, which always makes me sad. You did an excellent job of providing vivid imagery and poetic language (had to bust out the dictionary for a couple of words) but there were a lot of times when I felt beaten over the head by metaphors and similes. The first few are well placed but we don’t need one after every tiny detail is given. And while I was satisfied with how the narrator initially reacted to the intruders, I felt that throughout the rest of the invasion, the narrator was too detached from the situation, often detailing what was going with emotion, but from a cold perspective, kind of like he wasn’t really experiencing it himself. There just wasn’t a feeling of intensity up until the end of page 5 when his adrenaline kicks in but then the story ends.

Also, there are only a few lines of dialogue in the entire story; I feel like this would be much more solid if the argument between Jacob and Joshua was audible to the narrator since it is the turning point in the story. I was especially curious to know what could cause them to turn on one another. Did Joshua want to kill Mike and Jacob didn’t, or were they arguing over what to take?

And I would like to know more about our narrator, Mike. All get is that his job makes him anxious, he likes oreos, he has a niece, and that he lives alone with his dog because his previous roommate has left for a reason that we are unaware of. I picture him to be in his late twenties, early thirties and a little more backstory would easily clear up the few minor questions I have. 

"With Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies"

The story describes the narrator’s relationship with her family and how she is coping with her mother’s dementia. From the narration we learn that Connie and her family grew up in Pennsylvania and she eventually moved to Alabama but still visits her mother and father twice a year along with her husband and children. In between the scenes of describing the narrator’s past we are given a few lines of dialogue between Connie and her mother as they argue over medication.

First off, you did a great job of setting up the mood. After the first paragraph I didn’t want to read any further because I knew it would just make me sad. I think everyone can imagine how horrible it would be to have a loved one go through something as challenging as this so make sure you don’t lose that feeling.

 The main problem for me was that this piece is about 75% summary and 25% dialogue. I know I would like to see a couple more scenes with the family together; we can tell that Connie obviously loves her parents very much but we don’t see very much interaction between them except for the pills conversation and the very last scene in the garden. So maybe cut some of the summary and add in a few extra parts where we can see them dealing with her condition as it worsens, possibly a scene with her grandchildren where she forgets who they are or something else along those lines.

Also, I was a little confused about the ages of most of the characters. The age of Connie’s children is clear but as for the rest I wasn’t sure. Also, throughout the story the narrator refers to her parents in the past tense as if she’s already lost them but by the end they are both alive and (relatively) alright. By the way Connie carried on about her mother I was expecting her to end up taking more pills than was necessary and die as a result, so to me the ending didn’t quite seem finished since no definite change occurred.

"Beyond the Line"

This story is about Isaac, a solider in the US Army that is separated from his wife by war and is stationed near some desert at some point in time. Although we don’t know what year it is, I’m assuming it’s relatively recent (although the cannon part threw me off lol). We learn that he holds the rank of Major and is constantly being summoned due to his latest assignment. Towards the end, Isaac refuses an order from a superior officer to destroy a target location because of civilian casualties, a school full of children in particular. As a result, he is court marshaled and sent home for presumably for future punishment, though he is solely focused on seeing his wife again.

I really like the level of detail you provide and that the perspective is of the soldier shown during combat. There is definitely a story here, but I think it’s just drawn out a little too long in the beginning. We don’t get any real action sequences until about 7 pages in and I couldn’t tell if page 1 was a flashback or not because of the start of page 2. I don’t know if that is just my misinterpretation or if it confused anyone else as well, but a clearer transition could be helpful.

The narrative voice is consistent and solid, but was a bit confusing at times because the narrator also uses military terminology. I think that is best left within the dialogue, which is the strongest aspect of this piece. With all that military jargon, we get a narrowing window of readers who will understand all of the elements you describe.

Also I feel like you could have taken the larger conflict on a different path. Maybe Isaac has never killed civilians before and this is the first time he commits the deed. Then his morals are challenged and we see a different side of the Major. In this version, we don’t get the sense that he is a bad guy and when he sticks up for what is right, it didn’t go against his character so the conflict and change feel pretty weak. Another suggestion could be that we find out more of his relationship with his wife and how the distance affects them.  We start the story with her then nothing for like 9 pages then all of a sudden she’s the main focus again for Isaac at the very end. And if you go with the earlier suggestion, it gives you another angle to see how he would judge himself by what his wife will think of him when he returns home.

"Curtis and Deangelo"

This story is about two men, the title’s namesakes, who (couldn’t tell if they were brothers or just good friends because of backstory confusion) are in Vegas entertaining themselves with blackjack and prostitutes. At some point in time Curtis receives a phone call saying his father is in surgery so the team packs up and readies to leave but is delayed due to Deangelo misplacing his jacket. They recall an accident that took place the past summer between their fathers and another character named Bishop. Curtis arrives 2 days later to see his father and the next morning Deangelo calls him to let him know that his dad is dead (once again not sure if it’s their dad or if both have fathers in the hospital).

I feel like this story has a lot of potential because we have two old smartass kind of characters (similar to a Jack Nicholson type) who are faced with a serious issue and sets up a conflict, but then we get thrown off during the middle of the plot because of a backstory told with very few tags that doesn’t give us a clear enough sense of what happened and how it affected these men. This ultimately weakens the story overall. Building up the setting a bit more and tweaking one of their voices would also go a long way to help us differentiate between the duo. 

I think that one reason I had so much difficulty with this is because it has a bunch of little elements but no cohesive center. First they just play black jack, then it’s a search for a jacket, followed by a short visitation scene, then a sad ending. There could be so much more to give this an extra layer of depth. Maybe a scene that explains why they're in Vegas to begin with. 

And lastly there were a couple of times when a line was added without any explanation. For example on page 4, when Deangelo ask Curtis about the accident he says, “before we get arrested tonight” and on page 5 with “I know, Bishop’s family must have been in rough shape.” We get some vague details about what is going on with these men and who Bishop might be but the situations definitely need some clarification.I think you just need to expand this a little more. The climax of the story is hits on page 7 but then there is only a few lines of dialogue and we learn that the pair are going back to black jack. I was pretty stunned that the resolution just drops off. Where’s the change?

Response to "Dress Rehearsal"

The story focuses on Kate and Diana, sisters in high school only a year apart in age while they prepare for the future events that are looming ahead, namely prom and a play in which Kate has been cast as an extra; these events cause much stress to both sisters but for the most part we only experience Kate’s perspective. It’s the story of a senior year we all know and remember well.  

We have two main relationships: Kate/Diana and Kate/Sean. The bond between the sisters seemed very natural to me but I would like to see more tension between the characters. The dialogue between the first pair seems spot on and realistic, and was your best tool I felt that really sold the characters to me. It was easy to grasp that sense of resentment that Kate held for her younger sister; especially on page 4, when Kate tells her friend that her teacher called her by her sister’s name in class again, we get the first good look at the Kate beneath the surface. But when Diana asks Kate to get her out of small prom dilemma I was expecting some big turning point with some explosive behavior but the conflict never really escalated.

At the beginning, it was hard to keep track which character went with which description or who had what event going on. To me the information was all piled together and got a bit tangled up during the first couple pages while they were trying on dresses together. Another little thing that bothered me was Mark’s character. You only mention him twice and I couldn’t tell if standing next to Andrew in the end was related to Diana only or to both of the girls.  

The other relationship we get is between Kate and her best friend Sean. Their drama consists of Sean’s desire to take Kate to the prom for which Kate has no answer and while the one scene that takes place in the auditorium is tense, I felt it was too brief and too tame. We don’t exactly know if this friend is putting his heart on the line, hoping for something more than friendship but at the same time we’re neither sure if he just wanted to go as friends to begin with. I feel like this scene could add a lot more conflict into the mix and really shake things up. 

Workshop response: The Truth Behind The Window

I enjoyed the story for its simplicity and how easily relatable it was, not only to the audience but to myself personally. The point of view is 3^rd person and the narration follows the main character, Christina, who sits at her window and passes the days by watching the street she lives on. I know first-hand what it’s like to grow up on a boring street and sometimes the only entertainment is to watch the neighbors and the comings and goings of strangers walking about. There were many things that worked well throughout the story, your use of strong language and good imagery stood out the most, for example my favorite line was “the day is gray and full of broken dreams.” My immediate reaction was depression and it sets up the tone for the rest of the story, it clings to the characters and the tension follows up until the end.  

There are some areas that could use some improvement though. At times some unnecessary phrases cluttered up the paragraphs, adding fluff that can be stripped. From what little dialogue there was, to me it seems cliché, especially between Lisa and Larry. In addition to these, you could also build up the setting a bit. You start out strong; it’s raining, sometime in the late afternoon or early evening I’m assuming based on Larry’s arrival, but then nothing. We don’t even have the name of the street until the 3^rd page.

And lastly I would have liked to see some more conflict with Christina personally. We have tension constantly streaming as we feel more and more pity for Christina, but I think it needs more change. She didn’t change at all; she just accepted what she was already doing and resolved to continue doing it. I was hoping to either see some conflict with her husband or even some internal battle between her and her moral compass, just something more to show that she at least had the capability of questioning herself. 

Response to Bender's "Off"

In Aimee Bender’s “Off,” we start out with a stereotypical rich girl at her friend’s informal party and her main mission of the night is to kiss a blond, brunette, and red-headed guy. The conflict stems from the interactions between each of her targets, namely her blond ex-boyfriend, Adam.

            With every encounter we gain a little more insight about the narrator’s background and personality, although pretty much from the start we know she is a bitch; she dresses up knowing full well that the party is informal and proceeds to judge every other girl in the room for being so plain. It shows just how low her self-esteem really is and how she feels the need to outdo everyone else. With constant remarks about her superiority to the other women at the party and wealth status, we infer that she is shallow and an elitist of sorts and doesn’t much care for anyone whom she believes is below her; this is obvious from her reaction to the vet, who was talking to the black haired man the narrator picked out. In addition to the tension between her ex, we also gets hints that the narrator some buried homosexual feelings for the host of the party, a friend of hers from high school.  

The stream of thought narrative style is extremely well done and makes for a better balance between the small amount of dialogue and the narrator’s description of events. And even though the voice is distinct and well established throughout the story, I would have liked to see a little more dialogue. Maybe a scene with the high school friend could spruce up a part of the characterization that would be interesting to see developed, because I wasn’t very pleased with the ending. Even though she couldn’t meet her quota for the night, it can be interpreted that she is willing to give things another shot with her ex, thus maturing slightly from who she was when she first arrived at the party. 

Response: The Love of my Life

After the first sentence I knew I wouldn’t like the characters. Right off the bat we get a typical “in-love” high school couple. We all have these people in our lives or at least witnessed their public affection in some social setting one way or another. The couples that openly display their infatuation with mushy pet names and are constantly annoying those around them and the only thing that separates these two from the average teen couple who get pregnant are that they are both in the top 10% in their graduating class with what could only have been bright futures, but alas this isn’t meant to be.

The conflict of the story revolves around the secret pregnancy of China (which was an odd name choice in my opinion) and the repercussions of the events following the birthing. Common themes in this short story include young love, physical relationships, and breaking stereotypes. With Boyle setting up his main characters so specifically, he is extremely clear with his message that anybody can screw up at any time without warning.

I would have liked a bit more dialogue other than a few sentences spread about to elaborate on the current scene and at times it felt too drawn out with description. And even though the imagery was solid and poetic enough, to me, it seemed as if Boyle was trying to hold my hand throughout and lead me. Other than that the tension created by the narration hung heavily throughout the birthing scene and with the events that followed but slackened off at the end to let fates of the two young lovers unanswered. We assume the worst for Jeremy and that China’s life will never be the same so I guess Boyle ended it well, but I can’t help feeling a bit dissatisfied. 

Response: Vacation from Boyhood

The story begins with the introduction of the narrator and his friend Connor, followed shortly of a recount of a selection of memories shared from their childhood growing up together from kindergarten through college. Then the telling of a road trip undertaken by the pair to go ice fishing in Wisconsin begins, complete with some very funny bits of banter between the friends in an attempt to display absolute masculinity. When they get up to the cabin, the narrator fulfills a long time desire to chop wood and though he is only somewhat successful, he finds satisfaction and returns with the already precut wood to build a fire. After filling the cabin with smoke, the pair laugh and decide to watch a meteor shower as suggested by Connor’s mother. While laying underneath the stars, they realize that the cabin is on fire.

First off, this story was incredibly funny. With the hyped up male bravado mixed with realistic dialogue, there were a lot of hilarious parts that make this collective story feel whole. The term bromance came to mind more than once and that kind of relationship is easy to relate to and understand with regards to the right audience. The theme is pretty obvious and constantly displayed throughout quite noticeably but in a solid comedic fashion. My favorite line, “we spotted the lone cabin that was to be our Walden of testosterone” was brilliant.

Some points that could improve would be adding a bit more poetic language, clearing up some issues with the author/narrator voice, and cropping some of the extraneous background and expanding on the effects of the trip. More often than not we had basic descriptions told in first person narration that tended to be boring until a funny line of conversation cut in. With the narrator, we never get much a sense of identity separate from Connor, which detracts away from the story.

And lastly we have an incomplete and vague backstory presented for the tale of the narrator and Connor’s friendship leading up to this trip but when the cabin is destroyed, it just ends. Are we supposed to assume what the title suggests and that they go from being college-aged boys, to men for a weekend, and then go back to being their prior selves, or did that trip truly affect their friendship and lives? Just a thought to keep in mind for conflict since there didn’t appear to be much of any. 

Workshop Response: The Day Beverly Lost Jessica

In a nutshell this story is about a mom (Beverly) who takes her daughter (Jessica) to what appears to be a talent agency for aspiring young internet stars and after the daughter’s talent is discovered, the mother is brought into the interview room to discuss her daughter’s future. During this time, the daughter ventures off to mess around while the mother remains confused and during the conversation a fight breaks out amongst the other applicants and their families and during the fight Jessica vanishes.

The first thing I noticed were the obvious run-on sentences in the first paragraph. I’m not sure if this was intentional or just ended up happening but it was a lot to take in at once. Shorten it up into smaller pieces so it won’t distract the reader (I had to read the intro a couple of times to make sure I didn’t miss anything). Second, I would suggest changing the language used by the mother because overall she seemed incredibly one-sided and nobody is that simplistic. I understood her situation and the fact that she was out of place but she didn’t seem like a mother, more of a babysitter. I feel like a mother would have more control of herself, even when put in such an uncomfortable situation.

Other than the fact that it was jumbled and clumped together, the imagery was very good. The description of the building and how the mother reacted to her surroundings while waiting were excellent but then the dialogue takes over and I became completely lost. It was a good attempt at using dialogue only but with so many characters speaking at one, tags would have been nice to help keep the characters in order. Another thing I would have like to see was more events within the plot because it felt like a drawn out scene instead of a full story. And lastly, the ending is the most crucial point of this story and to me it came up short. It had the potential to finish strong but didn’t quite seem to hit home. I think a description of the chaos, even if it is just a short one would help strengthen the sense of urgency the situation calls for.